Call me weird, but I am not a fan of public bathrooms when it comes to number two. I’ll go number one all day, and where ever it is socially acceptable to do so (social acceptability is not a deal breaker in the right situation), but the same does not apply to number two. I once described it in college as my policy to never drop bombs over foreign soil. If I can avoid having a seat in the bathroom at work, I damn well do it. The whole thing (including seeing others who might use the same stall) makes me a little uncomfortable.

There are some days, however, when that doesn’t matter. I won’t get graphic, but sometimes even The Smartguy puts his feelings aside and goes into a stall. Fortunately, I know the rules for using the public/office bathroom. Apparently not too many other people do, because this is how I met today’s dumbass.

The rules are simple. When you need to use a stall, you sit down in a way that gives you the lowest chance possible to end up sitting next to someone else (urinal rules are the same). If I walk in and there’s no one in any stall, I pick one of the ones on either end of stall row. The bathroom at my office has four stalls, so I would never pick one in the middle. I pick the one at the end, because if someone else comes in, they can take the opposite stall. This leaves a two stall barrier between us. If a third person comes in, this only exposes one of us to having to sit next to someone else (fate decides who it’s gonna be, but at least it’s not both of us). Does that make sense? Again, the goal is to not sit in the stall next to someone else. I don’t want to smell or hear you do your business right next to me, nor do I want you to smell or hear my business. That’s no good for anybody.

What I want to know is this. Why the hell, if I am sitting in the stall to the far left in an otherwise empty bathroom, does the next guy to come in walk right to the stall next to mine and sit down? Did he not read the rule book? Did he not see the two other open stalls? Does he know nothing about buffer stalls?

I just don’t understand the thought process there. Are you some kind of weird pervert? Are you frightened of the bathroom and just looking for a friend to get you through your dump? Maybe you’re in the CIA and need to pass me a secret message. Nope, that wasn’t a coded message I just heard, although it kind of smells like a secret government project.

Maybe you have your favorite stall. I sympathize with that because I think we all do. Mine, as mentioned above, is the one on the far left near the wall. In fact, you must be just about as uncomfortable using the work bathroom to do your duty (pun intended) as I am, because otherwise you’d go to any of the other available. Guess what though, OCD! If I walk into the bathroom and someone’s using my favorite stall, I don’t climb in on top of them. I leave that stall, and the one next to it, for dead, adapt and move on. I do this because I respect the rules. I do this for the good of everyone who uses that bathroom.

I feel like sitting in the stall next to me makes you some kind of bathroom terrorist. Did Al-Qaeda put you up to this? Is your plan to not allow Americans to comfortably use the bathroom until they are too weak to defend themselves against your advances? Ok so maybe I’ve been watching too much “Homeland” lately, but you get the point.

I say to you and your white sneakers (yes, it’s always the same guy)… You’re a dumbass and I banish you from the office bathroom… just as soon as I find out who you are.

image courtesy of: http://nyrehtak.blogspot.com/