So I’m sitting at my desk, and I hear the guy in the cube to the left of me click on his speaker phone and start dialing. A couple of  beep bop boops later, the phone call connects and begins to ring… Little did I know this was going to lead to the discovery of a new kind of dumbass.

All of a sudden, the phone in the cubicle to the right of me begins to ring. That’s funny, what odd timing. I pretend in my head that the calls are going to each other, because it’s a funny scenario. Like when you see two people standing next to each other on the street talking on their cell phones and it’s funny to think they’re talking to each other. It would be absurd to think two people standing next to each other are on the phone with one another when they could just turn to each other and talk like normal people.

A ridiculous scenario, right? As I’m laughing to myself, the guy in the cube to my right answers his phone. “Hello Ted, Bill speaking,” He says (names changed to promote hilarity). That’s funny, I think to myself. The guy on my left’s name is Ted…

The it hits me. The guy in the cube to my left has decided to call the guy in the cube to my right to discuss whatever dumabassery they have in common. Now, perhaps I should be more clear. My cube is maybe seven feet across. It’s not the size of a football field or anything. If I stand up and stretch out my arms, I can almost touch both walls. The cubes to my left and right are the same size as mine. What I’m trying to say is that the two guys are, at most, twenty feet from each other (if they sit on the far sides of their cubes relative to me).

Are you seriously telling me that you can’t get up and walk twenty feet to talk to your co-worker face to face? Is the news that pressing that you can’t waste the four seconds it will take you to walk over there? No. The truth is that “Ted” is simply too lazy. Why would he want to burn seven of the precious calories he got from his afternoon chocolate chip muffin by getting up and walking twenty feet when he can just pick up the phone? I think that would save him a good six calories, which he could immediately deposit into his ever expanding behind.

Now, I’m sitting here listening to Ted’s voice to my left, Bill’s voice to my right, and the echo from both of their speaker phones all around me. I hear two Bills and two Teds, all off synch from each other. It sounds like a minor league stadium loudspeaker.

“Now batting (now batting)… number 22(number 22)… Lazy Dumbass (lazy dumbass)… number 22 (number 22).”

Get up and walk, dumbass!

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